My mind is racing, faster than I know how to keep up with it. I feel like I have it together but I don’t. In any split second, I can go from a smile to drowning in tears. My heart is an all black zebra: confused. My spirit is weak and honestly I am not happy. I don’t even feel joyful at this point. As I write this, my throat is aching from holding back tears and I am hoping and praying by the end of this I feel better. That I’ll feel hopeful again but right now I am not.
“Do not be anxious about anything….”
Well Lord, I am very anxious right now. I feel like I am in room and the walls are closing in on my. My mind surely is racing but my feet aren’t going anywhere. But I have to smile because I can’t take anyone asking me “what is wrong?” because I don’t have the words or the courage to respond.
“…. but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your request to God. -Phil 4:6”
Again Lord, I am struggling with what my prayer life is right now. I question if I am even spending enough time with you. If the time that I do spend mean anything. If you truly hear me or if my heart is even in it. And there are moment when I can hear you telling me that I am letting the devil have unwarranted power over me and I believe you but don’t know what to do right now to get out of this hole. But I don’t belong in this hole. I don’t belong in darkness and I am not going to run from you in the midst of this chaos that I feel. I will ask for your forgiveness, I will pray as much as I can, I will plead unto with a heart of thanksgiving for all that you have done and for all that you are.
For I have learned from the millions of times, that I have felt these exact feeling that you still love and want me. That this is temporary and that I must chain my flesh and resist its desires. That I must trust that you have given me power over my flesh, the spirit of defeat, spirit of fear and anxiousness and you have given me an armor to fight against all these spirit and principalities. So yes, I feel like the world is falling at my feet but I am doing my best to trust and remember that by my standards things may seem this way but by yours, you are probably just working on me and trying to make everything fall into place.
“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit- fruit that will last- and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.”
For that word, Lord I thank you. I believe and accept its truth and know that your comfort and strength is mine. I declare my joy and happiness back. I declare control of my heart, mind and spirit back as you have already granted and declared for me. I know and feel that the devil wished to sift me as wheat but I know you are interceding for me as you did Peter and I thank you.
In Jesus Name Amen.