This past week I found myself dying inside everyday yet I painted my face with a smile each morning and went on my way. This was supposed to be the best week of my semester despite the stress. It was the week of a big production my team and I had been working on for months and I was finally going to see the finished product and prayed my audience loved it as much as I did. But honestly, I couldn’t enjoy. I could not see the joy and light of the people around me because I was drowning inside, pieces of me dying with each laboring breath taken. Seemed like nothing could or would go right. I cried everyday that week and there was a moment where I honestly looked u to God and told Him that I wouldn’t make it past Friday. Funny, huh? I was telling God what I was going to do.
By Wednesday I was so tired of keeping a smile on my face and pretending to be something I wasn’t. I was tired, and weak: spiritually and physically. I felt the pressure of the world; from my parents, to myself and everyone around me. Except this time instead of running from God, I ran to Him. Even if it was for a moment, I said His name, ministered to myself and said small prayers in my heart. I guess that is what you call progress, right? Because months and even some years ago I would be so confined and used to my darkness that I would stay there. Away from God, away from His light and running from something I desperately needing: His love and comfort.
I spent every morning, dreading and finding it difficult to wake up. But by Thursday, I started begin feeling a little better but that didn’t last very long. That was the day I found out that I did not get into my major. To say that I felt like a failure, stupid, unfit…. is to say the least. I had worked so hard for so many semesters and in that moment it seem as though none of it had mattered. I didn’t even make it to the top of the mountain. I didn’t achieve what I was supposed to and it had been a long time since I felt such hurt but despite it I somehow still was able to find the strength to say, “God, I don’t know why this is happening. I don’t know what you are doing this or how I am going to get back up from this but I know I have to trust you. I am trying so much but its hard to really trust you right now. So please give me strength, comfort me God and help me to surrender this to you.”
By the end of that day, I honestly felt like giving up and there was moment where I laid in my bed and did. I just let go but then I remembered something: though what I may be going through doesn’t feel good and isn’t good to me it may be good for because I don’t know what God is doing. God gave me the grace and strength to wake up that Friday. And I have always known that to be a blessing and His way of saying, I still have purpose for you. I hold on to that in those dark moments. Even if its by the pinky finger, I find a way to hold on to that so I don’t lose sight of what is true.
This morning, despite my flesh, the Holy Spirit helped me wake up and start my day and I am thankful for that. I know that it was God that brought me through to see this week because if it was by my will I would not be here. Though I am hurt, sad and disappointed, I do fully know and trust that God will show me a way through this and that He already has a plan figured out. In this moment, I do not see or understand the events of my life but I know the best thing I can do is give and put that in God’s hands and allow each day to be a beginning. Because where I end, is where God begins.