I wake up feeling like I am cloud nine. Heart full of hope and optimistic of whatever it is that God has in store for me on this day. But before the sun kisses the sky, I find myself feeling unstable. I question my emotions, my purity, my purpose….everything. I go from being happy,, hopeful and walking in faith to feeling like I am loosing control and have no idea what I’ve been doing with myself…this life. I go from peace to feeling a though today , I have to prepare for battle agaisnt something I can only sense.
Where is my faith ? hat’s the first I can even begin to think. I question if I walk the walk of faith as much as I talk the talk of faith sometimes. I find myself being critical of my actions and even my identity. Wondering if when people hear me talk or see the life I live do they see me or do they see God. Do they see love and forgiveness or selfishness and pride. Wondering if when God looks down at me, is He smiling or is His heart hurting? Am I making Him a priority or have I become complacent in my “sometime intimate” relationship with Him. I so desperate want to get it right, to get it perfect. Then being angry at myself when I fail. Angry for feeling as though I am failing every test that comes my way further distancing myself from Him. Wondering how I’ve allowed my disobedience to build this wall that keeps me from hearing God. Feeling like I’m failing every test thrown my way and my disobedience keeps building a wall that keeps me from hearing God.
And I start believing the lies until finally enough is enough. I am tired of losing before I’ve even begun to battle. And realizing that the ultimate defeat, the ultimate disappointment is me believing the lies I just allowed to take root.See, this is what the enemy wants. That is what I was feeling at this very moment as put on my warfare suit. But now, I can’t move. I don’t remember any of the strategies to fight. I have no will to fight. But I sense something. Something different. I see Him, but He isn’t moving. He isn’t suiting up or even telling where to attack first. Instead, He turns and faces me and begins to speak
“Why are you trying to talk to me?!” I want to scream, “Why aren’t you helping me fight. I need a weapon! I woke up just fine. I woke up trusting you and wanting you! And now I am here. Fighting something I can’t see and you aren’t helping me God. Why aren’t you helping me?” I am crying and my spirit is frail and again He opens His mouth to speak.
“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nation.”
“This isn’t helping me Lord! What are you saying?”
“I will fight you. Just stay calm.”
“Do no be afraid of what you can or cannot see. I am your God and I will always fight for you. But you don’t feel ready for this battle, here..today and now because you have the wrong armor on. You are not equipped for this battle my child. You’ve forgotten your weapons..my word”
“I never asked you to be perfect or fight this alone. I will never forsake you, I never have. But your faith has to be tested for it is my will and my purpose to be fulfilled. Be strong in me and confident in my strength not yours. Stop trying to be perfect because you will never be perfect but in me, through me and with me you will find perfect love, perfect forgiveness and all things perfection. Today is still a day of victory. Today is still a good day. You just have to stop becoming discourage so quickly. Stop believing the lies and keep seeking my voice and my face”